From the Other Side
by DDGisLOVE
Summary: It's been a year since Julia died, and Eli's beginning to move on with Clare and his new life at Degrassi, but when old doors are re-opened and Julia comes back into his life, will he be to handle it?
1. Intro

"Elijiah Goldsworthy."

I stopped, frozen. My feet were glued to the ground and I couldn't run even If I wanted to. I knew that voice, I knew that voice way too well. I haven't heard that voice say my name in over a year… I must be hallucinating.

I swallowed, trying to ignore my steadily increasing heartbeat.

"Eli."  
I shook my head, "No. This isn't real…" I said to myself, my voice shaky. I closed my eyes and imagined myself at home, in my room, by myself…

That's when I felt it. A hand grazed my shoulder, and left my skin feeling cold. My eyes snapped opened, and I turned around, afraid at what I might find. I stared, not believing what I saw. This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be real, but it was. In front of me, stood Julia, just as I remembered her. Down to the last hair on her head.

"Julia?" I barely stuttered out. I shook my head in disbelief, taking in her full appearance. She was gorgeous, she always had been, but something about her was different, she didn't look human. It was then that I realized, how could she be human? Julia is dead. She's been dead, but there was no denying that the person standing in front of me is Julia, _my_ Julia.

I just stood there, staring at her until my eyes began to burn. "What are you doing here?" I whispered.

She looked me, sadness filling up her big brown eyes. Taking a step closer, she lifted her hand slowly, only inches away from me now. She gently ran her fingers across my cheek; so lightly, I wouldn't have felt it if it weren't for the chill it sent down my spine. "You've missed me, haven't you."

I didn't answer, for it wasn't a question. I glanced down at the hand that grazed my cheek, wanting to feel it again. I missed her touch so much that it hurt to think about. I would do anything to have her back, anything at all, and here she was.

I finally spoke. "Why-"I began, unsure of how to phrase my words. I took a breath of air, "Julia, why are you here? Better, how are you here?"

She looked up at me, her eyes wide with fear. She shook her head gently from side to side, like she was trying to shake off a bad memory. Julia lowered her head to the ground, and when she lifted it back up, I realized that there was pain evident on her face. I immediately felt the urge to hug her, and tell her that everything would be alright, like I used to, but I refrained.

"Julia?" I asked again, scared by her silence. I grabbed her icy hand, and held on to it as tight as I could, my eyes never leaving hers. "Tell me what's wrong."

Her eyes glassed over, trying to hold back her tears as she struggled to speak. "Eli, I need help." She said, her voice small and tired.

"Help? What do you mean, how do you need help?" I began to ask, still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was speaking to my dead ex-girlfriend.

She didn't say anything for nearly a minute, and I grew impatient at her lack of words. "How can I help you?" I said, this time with more force. I heard footsteps approaching from behind me and Julia's eyes snapped to the end of the hall.

"Eli?"

I froze for the second time that night, panicking; I looked at Julia, who was now still as stone. I turned around slowly, unsure of what to do. How do I explain this?

"Clare, what're you doing here." I said quickly, my eyes holding a frantic craze to them. I tried to block Julia from Clare's sight, adjusting my stance to make myself taller.

She looked at me strangely, taking in my awkward demeanor. "You said you were going to the bathroom, but you've been gone for ten minutes. I was worried that something happened." She said slowly, her eyes looking me up and down. She crossed her arms, her brow furrowing. "Who exactly were you talking to?"

"I-I don't know how to explain this, but I think that-that-"I stuttered, unable to form a coherent sentence. How do you say to your girlfriend that you just had a conversation with your dead ex in the middle of a school hallway? I sighed, realizing that I should just show her. I closed my eyes, and stepped aside, revealing Julia. I waited for a gasp of shock, or a scream, but there was nothing.

"Um, Eli?" I opened my eyes, and stared at Clare who seemed to be even more confused than before. I turned around, searching for Julia, but the hallway was completely empty. I turned back as Clare ran a hand through her curls, waiting for me to explain myself.

I shook my head, not sure if I had just imagined the entire thing. Maybe I was going crazy, and if I was, I wouldn't be too surprised. I forced a small smile at Clare's worried expression. "I was talking to myself, actually."

She raised her eyebrow at my lame excuse and I struggled to come up with something more believable. I let out a breath of air, shifting my weight from foot to foot. "Honestly, I'm just stressed." I started, not completely lying to her. "I came out here because I needed some time. Alone."

Clare looked slightly hurt, but she came closer, wrapping her arms around me gently. I was taken back by the sudden contact, but then pulled her tighter as I sighed into her shoulder. She pulled away, her blue eyes filled with concern.

"Eli, I know this past week has been hard, but you do realize that you can get through this, right?"I nodded, not trusting myself to speak for fear that I might tell her everything that was running through my mind. I didn't want to scare her.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to run away from me. I mean," She looked down at the ground, her voice getting softer. "If you need your space, I'll give it to you, I understand."

I shook my head, this wasn't what I wanted. I grabbed her chin, pulling her eyes up to meet mine. "Clare, I want to be with you. You're not the problem, I love you." I said firmly, wanting her to know that I was being honest. I looked away, anger building in my chest. "I just want things to be normal, but my fucked up head keeps ruining everything!" I yelled, frustrated with myself. "I keep seeing _things. _Things that I don't want to see. Its bad enough I had to live it once, but now I keep seeing that night replay over and over again. How am I going to testify in court when I can barely tell you what happened?"

Clare bit her lip, not having an answer for me. I clenched my hands into fists, trying to calm my sudden urge to punch something. I looked at Clare, feeling guilty for getting all worked up, but I didn't know any other way to deal with it.

"I'm sorry." I said.

She smiled sadly, "Don't be, that's what I'm here for."

I nodded, fully knowing that I didn't deserve this girl.


	2. Chapter One

**Hi! This is my first time attempting to actually finish a story. The last chapter was sort of a prologue of what's about to come in the future. **

**I do not know what Julia's last name is, I saw someone on here use Locklear and that just stuck with me, so I hope they don't mind!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

I saw Clare standing by her locker, glaring at the lock with anger. I smirked, silently walking up behind her until I was only a few inches away. She still hadn't noticed me, too caught up in the war with her lock. "54… 12… 23… why won't you open!" Clare huffed, talking to herself.

"Having problems, Blue Eyes?" She spun around bringing her hand to her chest, eyes wide with surprise. She rolled her eyes and gently shoved my shoulder back, her lips settling into a pout.

"Jerk."

I shrugged. I loved messing with Clare, she was just too easy of a target. "So, in need of my services?" I said, nodding my head towards her locker. She smiled, "Please?"

I began spinning the dial, quickly hitting the numbers and pulled down, laughing at the annoyed scuff from Clare when it clicked open with ease. I turned around with a smirk, "There you go Edwards, no need to thank me."

She crossed her arms, and shook her head at me. She began to reach for her books at the bottom when I pulled her back up.

"Actually, I changed my mind. You should thank me, starting with-" I cut myself off, kissing her lips slowly and then deepening the kiss after a few seconds. She smiled shyly when I pulled away and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Ugh." I heard someone groan from behind. "Clare, if I knew you were going to start your morning off everyday sucking face with Eli, I would have requested a locker change." Clare's cheeks turned pink with embarrassment, something I found completely adorable. Adam rolled his eyes at us, grabbing his binder and books from the shelf inside his locker.

She giggled, diverting her eyes to the floor, then back up at our friend. "Sorry Adam."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure." He said jokingly.

"And how are you today, Adam?" I asked, pulling down his beanie. He glared at me, adjusting it immediately.

"Apparently not as good as you two, but I'll survive." Adam said, faking annoyance. "Did you finish Dawes' assignment?"

My mind conjured up an image of our English teacher, Ms. Dawes, with her tall, skinny frame and slightly oversized glasses. She was an odd one, to say the least. I nodded as Clare began to go into detail about the assignment to Adam. Normally, I would join in, but I couldn't help but get lost in my thoughts. I had been zoning out a lot lately, something I tried to avoid. Zoning out meant thinking about what truly bothered me and it was always the same thing: Julia.

About two months ago, I had told Clare about Julia's death and the reason why I was so apprehensive to start a real relationship with her. Bottom line was I felt it wasn't fair to Clare, and that in some messed up way, I was betraying Julia by getting closer to her. I almost felt like I should suffer for what happened to Julia, it was my fault after all.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, anytime you would like to sit down, I'll begin class. Just let me know when you're ready." I ripped myself from my thoughts, taking in my surroundings. I was standing in the middle of the classroom, everyone's eyes on me as Ms. Dawes watched from behind her desk. I cleared my throat awkwardly, and took my seat in front of Clare. Adam nudged me, giving me a weird look, but I shrugged him off. I heard quiet laughter from the class, and rolled my eyes, waiting for Ms. Dawes to start teaching.

I watched as she began to write on the board, not really paying attention. She was rambling about the assignments due when a note landed on my desk, obviously from Clare.

_You seem out of it…Is there something you're not telling me lately?_

My jaw involuntarily clenched. Yes, there was something I wasn't telling her. I purposely left out the reason why Julia died, why she ran off on her bike that night. I didn't want to deal with it myself, so I chose to ignore it and I wasn't about to change that now.

I grabbed my pen, and quickly scribbled on the piece of paper.

_**And why would you think that?**_

I tossed it behind me when Ms. Dawes' back was turned. A minute later, the note was thrown back on my desk.

_Because, Eli! Why do you think? You've been so reserved and whenever I ask you what's wrong, you change the topic. I've been ignoring it for this long, but I just can't anymore. We need to talk later, you're obviously hiding something._

I re-read the note a couple times before finally answering. I wrote one word.

_**Fine.**_

I could practically feel Clare's frustration at my pitiful response, but I didn't care. She could deal with it for now.

"Eli…Clare? I would appreciate it if you did not pass notes during my class, if it's that urgent that you can't wait until the bell rings, then you can pass notes all you want." Ms. Dawes said. "In detention." I nodded my head, as Clare muttered an apology. Ms. Dawes began to turn back around when Principal Simpson walked into the classroom.

She put down the dry erase marker. "How can I help you Principal Simpson?" asked Ms. Dawes, looking as if she was using every ounce of patience she had left. Principal Simpson nodded. "Can I you please excuse Elijiah Goldsworthy, I need to speak with him in my office."

I received accusing looks from everyone in the classroom. Dawes sighed, looking at me. "By all means." She gestured towards the door, as I rose from my desk. I blocked out the whispering as I exited, stealing a glance at Clare who gave me a worried look.

Principal Simpson didn't say a word as he led me to his office, and the silence made me feel slightly uneasy. What could I possibly have done? I mouthed off to my teachers at least once a day, but I never said anything that sarcastic to land me in the Principal's office. I racked my brain, wondering if I was missing something. I skipped yesterday…was that it?

I took a seat in front of his desk, as Simpson shut the door behind us. He sat in his chair, and folded his hands out in front of him. I could practically hear crickets as we stared wordlessly at one another

I finally broke the silence. "So…why am I here again?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow. Simpson narrowed his eyes in thought as I leaned back in my chair to get comfortable. I looked around his office, noticing an immense amount of picture frames spread throughout the room. There was him and what appeared to be his wife, a picture of a blond haired girl who I assumed to be his daughter, and one of him and…Connor? Well, that's random, I thought to myself.

I turned my attention back to Simpson as he finally found the words he was looking for. "I don't know how to explain this Mr. Goldsworthy, but I thought I should let you know before you find out on your own." I stared at him blankly, waiting for him to continue. He took a breath before he spoke again. "Usually, this isn't information that I would share with another student, however in this case I believe I need to make an exception. There's a new student enrolling to Degrassi."

I was confused. A new kid? That's what this was about? How did that concern me?  
"I believe this student was directly related to the, um, incident involving Julia Locklear." He said, trailing off at my expression. My mouth hung open in shock, as I felt the blood drain from my face. _The incident involving Julia Locklear_, the words kept swirling around in my head, not making any sense. How did Simpson even know about Julia and what did he mean by directly involved in "the incident"? He began to speak again, but I didn't hear him. I shook my head back and forth trying to process that one single sentence, when one name broke me out of my self-induced trance.

"-Derrick Ravitz will be under close surveillance, and I can assure you that-"

"What?" I practically yelled, interrupting him mid-sentence. I stood up, staring at Simpson in disbelief. "Derrick Ravitz will be going to school here? Here?" I said, my voice laced with disgust. I glared at the Principle, who scratched his head nervously.

"Eli, I know this is hard to hear, but there's nothing I can do to prohibit a student from enrolling, no matter what he's accused of." I was furious and wanted nothing more than to flip the desk over, but I stopped myself from doing so.

"That's bullshit!" I screamed. "You're telling me that you are going to let a person like _him_-"I said, emphasizing my hatred. "Walk straight through the doors of Degrassi like he's just another student, and not a psycho?" I was fuming.

Simpson looked at me apprehensively, afraid to set me off even further. He put his hands out in front of him, trying to get me to calm down, but I wasn't having it. "Eli, please understand my position here." He began, but I interrupted again.

"To hell with your "position"!" I spat. I looked down at the ground, willing myself to take a deep breath and raised my head back up, staring Simpson in the eyes. "I'm not going to let this happen, Mr. Simpson." I shook my head determined. "I'm not."

I opened the door before he could get another word in, and stormed out of the office, the secretary staring after me in shock. The bell was ringing, signaling the end of class as I angrily made my way to my locker. Students cluttered the halls, but I pushed past them, just wanting to leave. I walked by Clare, but looked past her, not seeing much of anything. She chased after me, and grabbed onto my arm, forcing me to turn around and face her.

My patience was wearing thin. "What?" I said rudely, but instantly regretted it when I saw the look on her face.

"Eli, what's going on?" Clare asked, releasing her grip on my arm. A few girls passed us, eyeing our tense conversation with curiosity. I wanted to yell at them and tell them to mind their own business, but I let them pass without a word.

"Not here, let's go." I said shortly, making my way to the front doors of the school. Clare jogged behind me, trying to keep up with my brisk pace. I pushed through and reached for the keys in my back pocket.

"Where are you going? You can't just leave!" She said, almost crashing into me when I stopped abruptly. She stepped back, waiting for me to say something.

"You can come with me, or you can stay here. What's it gonna' be?" I said to her, gripping the keys in my hand. She looked torn, her eyes darting back and forth between me and the school. I didn't have time for this. I continued down the steps, but stopped when she spoke again.

"Wait." I turned to look at Clare, who now at the bottom of the steps. "I'll come with you.'

I nodded, "Then let's go."

I blasted the loudest, angriest sounding song I could find on my ipod as we drove. I mouthed the words silently, finding the band to be a good distraction from my own anger. It was perfect; I couldn't even hear myself think, just the way I liked it.

Clare winced every time the singer would scream out loud profanities, but I ignored it. Actually, it was kind of amusing to be honest. I drove until I reached my destination: the park. I swung open Morty, and stepped out of the hearse, Clare right behind me. I sat down on the bench, and rested my head in my hands. I felt her sit next to me, her body tense as she starred at me. We sat in silence for a minute, just listening to the subtle sounds of the park.

"I know I'm unbelievably good looking, but it's not polite to stare. I thought your mother would have taught you that, Saint Clare." I said sarcastically, lifting my head up. She didn't laugh at my joke. Instead she crossed her arms expectantly, and looked at me like I was something scraped out of a shower drain.

"What's going on with you."

I looked away. "Next question."

"No, that's it!" She said, angry now. I have never seen Clare mad before and to say that it wasn't entertaining would be a lie. She flailed her hands around as she spoke, "I've patiently given you time, Eli. I know you don't like to talk about Julia, or what happened, but I'm not stupid! I know there's something you're not telling me, and I can't handle it if you're going to act this way!" Her eyes were big, and she was breathing heavy. "And then, Simpson calls you out of class for who knows what, and I see you twenty minutes later stomping down the hall like you're about to commit murder without an explanation."

I stared at her, the corners of my mouth pulling into a smirk. I liked when Clare was mad, it was surprisingly attractive. She narrowed her eyes at me. "You can wipe the stupid smirk off your face anytime now and give me a reason why I shouldn't punch you."

I laughed, much to my own surprise. Even when Clare was angry, she could make me feel better by just being herself. I don't know how she does it. However, she was right; I couldn't keep lying to her. I guess it's time to come clean.

"Clare, I'm sorry." I began to explain. "You're right, I haven't been completely honest with you."

"Really? I would have never guessed, but now that you mention it." She said dryly, and I couldn't help but smile. She nodded for me to continue, and I tried to focus my thoughts. Where do I start exactly?

"Well, you know that Julia was hit by a drunk driver." I said, and Clare nodded. "And you know that it was my fault…"

Clare looked at me sadly. "Eli, you can't blame yourself. It was the driver's fault, not yours, anybody can see that."

I shook my head. No, she was letting me off too easily and I didn't deserve her sympathy. "It is. It's my fault." I said surely. "I yelled at Julia because I was jealous, and I didn't believe her. I was stupid, so stupid… I didn't trust her, even when she had given me no reason not to." I shook my head, wanting to build a time machine and go back to the moment when I told her she was worth nothing. The biggest lie I've ever told to this day.

"What happened? What did she do that made you so angry?" Clare asked curiously.

I closed my eyes, a bitter feeling settling into my stomach. "It wasn't her that made me angry, it was Derrick Ravitz." I stopped to gain my composure. Just saying his name sent me over the edge. "He had liked Julia for a while, hitting on her whenever he got the chance, always trying to make her fall for him. But she never did. She didn't even give him a second glance, and if he laid a hand on her, she'd tell him off. She was great." I smirked at the thought of Julia wrinkling her nose in disgust whenever Derrick would give her that crooked smile. "As you can imagine, he hated me and wanted me out of the picture, but I wasn't going to back down. Let's say it started out similar to the fights I had with Fitz…" I said, trailing off. "But I should have realized that it wasn't me that he wanted to hurt, it was Julia."

"Every time I'd leave her alone, even for a second, Derrick would be right there. It sounds stupid, but I was jealous of him trying to take Julia away from me, even though she clearly wasn't interested. I was paranoid, which in the end, was exactly what he wanted. He caused us to fight; mostly from me questioning what she said would say to him when he flirted relentlessly."

I swallowed, realizing that I wasn't ready to tell Clare the whole truth. There were some things that she didn't need to know, so, I decided to skip over a part in the story. "One time, she told me something that I just didn't believe. I didn't want to believe it, so I decided it was easier if I convinced myself she was lying. I yelled at her, I called her horrible things and I let her run away." I slowed down. "I didn't even attempt to go after her." No matter how much time passed, it killed me to picture her face, the tears running down her cheeks as she stormed off. I caused that, all of it.

"And you know the rest. I got a call from her father an hour later, telling me she had been hit by car. I rushed to the hospital, driving faster than I ever had that night, but it was too late. When I got there, they told me she was dead." At this point, my voice was only slightly louder than a whisper and I coughed to stop the emotion from building in my throat.

Clare rubbed my shoulder softly, as I stared out at the park. I watched a father throw a Frisbee to his son, laughing as it flew past his head and into a bush.

"What happened with Mr. Simpson?"

I jumped a little, almost forgetting that Clare was next to me. I took in a breath of air, and forced myself to answer her question. "He told me Derrick is enrolling at Degrassi."

Clare inhaled sharply, her eyebrows rising in surprise. "And, I'm guessing that's where you stormed off."

I nodded, fiddling with the ring on my thumb. I stood up from the bench and looked down at Clare who starred up at me with an empty expression. "I think it's time to leave."

I pulled into Clare's driveway, turning off the engine as we sat in silence. The whole ride home was silent, neither of us had anything to say.

"Clare, I don't want you to hate me." I told her, confessing what was on my mind.

She opened her eyes wide, "Why would I hate you?"

I smiled sadly, "Because I'm messed up, and all I do is drag you down with me. Everytime." I gripped Morty's steering wheel, my knuckles turning white from the pressure. She didn't say anything for a minute, leaving me to my thoughts.

"Eli, I would never hate you, I wouldn't still be here if I thought you were messed up. If I were in your situation, I would be a wreck, so I don't blame you for acting the way you do."

I just stared straight ahead, thinking about what she said. Maybe she was right.

"Do you want to come inside?" I looked at her in surprise.

"Won't your parents ask why I'm here?"

She smiled shyly¸ a light blush tinting her cheeks. "They're not exactly home right now."

I smirked, leaning in to give her a kiss. "Well then, how can I say no to that?"

Clare led me upstairs to her room, and I had no bad intentions, honestly. I just wanted to spend some time alone, something we rarely were able to do. Clare's parents hovered over us like guards in a prison cell, and my room wasn't the most relaxing environment. Clare had been very understanding when she found out about my hoarding, another thing that made me love her even more. She accepted me no matter what.

"Do you want to watch TV?" She asked awkwardly.

I nodded my head while kicking off my boots and slumped down onto her mattress. It was soft. Clare reached for the remote and laid next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. "What do you want to watch?"

I shrugged, not really caring what was on television. "Doesn't matter, you pick."

She changed the channel about ten times until she finally settled on one. I glanced down at her, and ran my hand through her soft curls. She looked up at me, her blue eyes shining brightly. She was beautiful. I couldn't help myself; I slowly began to kiss her, relishing the feel of her lips on mine.

Clare adjusted her body towards me, and I rested my hand on her cheek, playing with a curl that fell carelessly in front of her face. I deepened our kiss, running my tongue along her lip as I pulled her closer. She bit softly on my lip, and I smiled. That was new. I ran my hands along her waist, loving the way her body curved in at just the right places.

Clare moved her leg so that it was resting on top of mine, and I brought my hand down to her thigh, bringing her in closer. She bit me again, a little harder this time and I suddenly had the urge to climb on top of her, and let my hands roam freely, but I didn't. I broke our kiss, and she looked at me, confused.

"Don't want to get too carried away, Saint Clare." I said softly. She bit her lip and blushed, which made me want to attack her even more. "At least not tonight." I added.

She giggled, and turned her attention back to the TV, placing her head on my shoulder. I smiled, and wondered if I would ever grow tired of kissing Clare. I highly doubt it.


	3. Chapter Two

"_Eli, please, I'm telling the truth!"_

I hit the button on my alarm, silencing the deafening noise coming from my bedside table. I groaned, one night, that's all I ask for. Just one night of peace, one night of guilt-free sleep, but every night it was the same thing. Every night, Julia reminded me that I deserved the guilt I was feeling. I deserved every bit of it.

I sighed, brushing the hair off my forehead. I wasn't ready for this day, but I didn't really have a choice. My phone began to vibrate; I rubbed my eyes, and grabbed it off the table, sliding it open to read the message on the screen.

**Just wanted to say good morning…and to tell you I had a great time last night. I love you, Eli, everything's going to be ok, don't stress about it.**

I smiled at the message from Clare, and so badly wanted to believe her, but I couldn't get rid of the lingering doubt and fear that hung heavy in the back of my head. I swallowed. Think positive thoughts, positive thoughts…

I was kidding myself and I realized that completely when I walked through the glass doors of Degrassi. My eyes racked through the cluster of students, searching for him. My heart slowed down a bit when I came up with nothing. A hand slapped my shoulder, and I sucked in air, hissing as I exhaled. It was only Adam.

"And a merry Monday to you too." Said Adam, commenting on my reaction. I felt embarrassed for being so jumpy, but I had to keep my guard up at all times. "Bad morning?"

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to play off my nervousness as boredom. "You could say that."

We began walking through the halls, making the way to our lockers. I kept on the lookout for Derrick, making sure I didn't see him before I strolled up next to Clare, who was busily spinning the dial on her lock. I smiled to myself, before nudging her on the arm.

"Need my help again?"

She simply nodded, and gave me a shy smile as I opened the lock for the second time. She began reaching for her things as I stood there, staring blankly.

"So, how are you doing today?" Clare asked apprehensively, shutting her locker. I stiffened up automatically.

"Could be better." She nodded knowingly, and reached for my arm. I leaned in to kiss her, my eyes closing in the process.

"You do know I'm still here, right?"

I broke our kiss at the sound of Adam's voice. Honestly, I was too caught up in Clare to notice anything else. We both smiled sheepishly at Adam, caught like little kids red-handed.

He just rolled his eyes at us. "Honestly, why I'm friends with either of you is beyond me…"

I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Because you can't get enough of this." I said, gesturing to myself. "And quite frankly, I don't blame you."

Adam shook his head as Clare laughed beside me. "You," he pointed a finger at Clare, who stopped giggling immediately. "encourage him. Just when I thought his head couldn't get any bigger."

I put an arm around him. "You love it, don't deny." He let out a laugh, and brushed my arm away as he started walking. "See you guys in English, please try to keep the PDA to a minimum. I want to try and keep my lunch down today, thanks."

"Sure thing, Adam." I could see him stick his tongue at me as he disappeared down the hall. I focused my attention back to my girlfriend, who was smiling up at me.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing." She continued to smile. "Just like seeing you like this."

"Like?"

She shrugged, playing with the cross hanging from her neck. "Happy."

I nodded my head, looking deep into her eyes. "I think, I have you to thank for that." I smiled at the blush rising to her cheeks; it never grew old. I reached for her hand, holding it softly as I continued to stare into her eyes. It was so easy to get lost in them. The bell pulled me from my thoughts as Clare let go of my hand.

She coughed, looking away from me. "Well, I better get to class…" Clare leaned in and kissed me softly before turning on her heels, headed towards the end of the hallway.

I sighed, thinking of my statistics class and fought back the urge to chase after Clare and speed off in Morty for the day. The halls were empty for the most part, just a few kids scrambling to get to class before they could be marked late. I was almost to my classroom when someone brushed passed me from behind, shoving my shoulder rather roughly.

I gritted my teeth, annoyed. "Hey asshole, there's a whole hallway, do you mind not running in to me?" I turned to shoot the kid a glare, but stopped when I realized who it was standing in front of me.

"I thought you'd want to say hi to me Eli, it's been so long since I've seen you last." He grinned, "Missed me?"

I couldn't bring myself to form words; all I could do is stare with hatred, but the smirk on his face was just too much to handle. "What the fuck do you want?" I spat, venomously.

Derrick shook his head, his dark blonde hair falling in his face. "What makes you think I always want something? You know maybe, just maybe I'd like to be friends again. That thought ever cross your mind, _Elijiah_? He said, drawing out my name, amusement in his brown eyes.

"We were never," I said, taking a step closer to him. "friends. Don't think just because you feed everyone at school some bullshit, that for one second I believed you. You're a piece of shit, always will be."

We stared intensely at each other, each of us wanting the other to break. He narrowed his eyes. "So, who was that girl you were with this morning? New Girlfriend?"

I was surprised at his words, but tried not to let it show. He was watching us?

"Wouldn't that upset Julia, Eli? Poor girl's been dead not even a year, and here you are, replacing her." He scoffed. I felt anger fill every inch of my body, and I wanted nothing less than to knock his teeth out with my fist, but I couldn't help but feel the pain from his words. They stabbed at my chest, and I couldn't conceal the emotion from showing in my eyes. His mouth settled into a smirk. "Some boyfriend you are."

I couldn't take it anymore; I grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and shoved him into the lockers, the sound echoing through the halls. "Don't ever talk about Julia, you don't have the right to even say her name!"

He glanced down at his shirt in my fists, and then raised his eyebrows at me. "Did I hit a nerve?"

I glared at him, tightening my grip."Shut the fuck up."

He let out a laugh, and stood up straight, making me notice the five inches he had over me. I loosened my hold on him, but my eyes shot daggers.

"This, Eli, right here, is what's going to make Degrassi so much fun." He crossed his arms. "You know, I really miss hanging out together, the three of us. You, me, Julia." Derrick stopped, watching my face contort with anger. "I loved making you jealous, you were just so easy. Anything little thing I said to her would just eat at you, wouldn't it?"

I didn't respond; I just clenched my fists, waiting to strike.

Derrick laughed again, staring off into the corner like he was re-living some sick memory. "Yeah, Jules and I had some great times. Before you killed her, that is."

My hand collided with the side of his head, and I was punching every inch of skin I could find. My knuckles throbbed from the impact, but I felt better with each fist I threw at him. Derrick pushed me back, and then punched me in the lip, splitting it open. I brought my hand to my face, wiping off the blood that start to flow as Derrick brushed himself off, his eyes almost black as he stared at me.

"What's the matter Goldsworthy? Can't accept the fact that you're the reason she's dead, huh!"

I shook my head, "You're a liar." My lip throbbed painfully, but I didn't care, it was worth it. He had cuts across his face from where my rings hit, and that fact alone gave me joy.

He rolled his eyes, at me. "You're pathetic. No wonder Julia came to me that night; she must have known what a loser you are." Derrick looked me up and down in disgust.

He brought himself close to me, only a few inches from my face and smirked. His voice was at a whisper. "She loved every minute of it you know. If you only could hear how loud she screamed when I fucked her."

I couldn't see, my vision was so blurred with anger, I couldn't even react. I saw Derrick walk away from me, and I just stood there, stupidly. My chest was tight and I wanted to scream, punch, kick, anything, but I was paralyzed.

I tugged at my hair, and lowered my head, willing myself to think of anything but that night. I swallowed, I needed water. I ran to the closest bathroom, and turned on the sink. I splashed my face with the freezing cold water, and felt myself begin to break down. Why the hell did this have to happen all over again? Didn't I suffer enough the first time? Apparently not, a voice said in the back of my head.

"Shut up!" I yelled to no one in particular. The bathroom was quiet; all I could hear was the sink running as I closed my eyes.

"Still have that same temper, I see?"

What the-

I opened my eyes, searching for the voice, clear as day just a second ago. Nothing…am I going crazy?

"You're not crazy Eli, I just like to mess with you."

I spun around and my eyes met with Julia's, who stood leaning up against the bathroom wall, a smile playing on her lips. I think my heart stopped beating.

I stared in disbelief. "Julia?"

She rolled her eyes and laughed, "Who else could look this good? Of course it's me."

I smirked, wanting to laugh along with her. Same old Julia, wait, what? She saw my confusion and came closer to me, but not nearly close enough to touch. I really wanted to hold her.

"It is me, but not… fully." She trailed off, struggling to find words to explain this situation that was currently making me doubt my sanity. "All you need to know is that I'm here, and that I can't stand to be away from you."

I didn't want to think logically, because if I did, I knew that there was no possible explanation to why my dead girlfriend was staring me in the eyes, so I just accepted it. I didn't want to question it, because if I did, she might disappear, and I really couldn't handle that again.

"I've missed you." I said quietly.

Julia sighed, "I know. I've missed you too." I came closer this time, and brought my hand to her dark brown hair, surprised when I could run my fingers through the strands.

"I'm so sorry Julia, I'm sorry I let this happen to you."

Julia looked away from me, and I could tell that she was hurt. "It's not your fault Eli, I could never blame you for what happened. I just wish you believed me and maybe things would be different."

I couldn't stop the tightness attacking my throat. Suddenly, school wasn't the place to have this conversation. "Do you want to go for a drive? In Morty? 

She smiled widely, "Ah, Morty. How I've missed that hearse."

I laughed, grabbing her hand and started to lead her out of the boys bathroom just as the bell started to ring. The buzz of students entering the halls grew louder and louder and I panicked. What about Julia? I turned to look at her, but she was gone, the feeling of her hand no longer there.

My mouth hung open, did I just imagine all of that?

I walked out into the hallway, in a drunken stupor, not even noticing when I almost plowed straight into Adam.

"Dude, did you not just hear me call you like five times?" Adam asks, holding my shoulders in place to keep me from falling.

"I-I didn't-I, Uh, Adam…" I felt like I was going to pass out. Adam looked at me with great concern, and backed away once he made sure I could stand up straight without tipping over.

"Are you okay? Seriously man, you look like you just a ghost or something."

How horribly cliché and ironic. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically, which seemed to frighten Adam.

"Eli, I think there's something wrong with you."

You're not the only one…


	4. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

"Baby boy, how was school?"

I moved my fork around my plate, shifting my mashed potatoes from side to side. I barely ate anything. I looked up at my mother blankly. "Fine."

She didn't seem to be content with my answer, but nodded anyway. Both Cece and Bullfrog knew something was up, but I refused to mention anything, besides, I was almost completely convinced there was something certifiably wrong with me. I wasn't sure whether Julia was real or a desperate trick my mind was playing, either way, I was afraid to find out.

"So how are you and Clare?" Bullfrog barked, waggling his eyebrows. I groaned, as Cece kicked him from under the table.

"I'm sure he doesn't want to discuss _that _with his parents." I shook my head; oh god, please stop talking about this.

"Oh come on now, I'm just trying to lighten the mood to something, you know, fun, and what's more fun than-ow!" Bullfrog glared at Cece who smirked at him in response, eating a bite of chicken off her plate.

I cleared my throat, an obvious blush on my cheeks. Now I knew how Clare felt; I needed to get out of here, fast. "Do you care if I go for a drive in Morty? I'm not hungry."

My mother nodded, as my father stared at me suspiciously. I got up and rinsed my plate off in the sink, grabbing my keys off the counter. "Off to see the girlfriend?"

I shook my head, not exactly…

Bullfrog didn't seem satisfied with my answer. "Hmm, well, before you go for your drive alone" He said, using air quotes around the word. "make sure you have that box of you-know-whats I put in your drawer last week. In my book, better safe than sorry, right Cece?"

"Dad." I said, urging him to just stop talking.

"Of course if you're out, I might have some in the medicine cabinet…are those still in there?" He turned to his wife, who just shrugged.

"Dad!" I said again, feeling mortified; I imagined my face was bright red at this point. Bullfrog stared at me and laughed, waving his hand towards the door.

"Alright, alright, I trust you enough to be responsible, get out of here." He didn't have tell me twice, I practically sprinted towards the front door.

"Just remember what I said, better safe than sorry!" He called after me, as I slapped myself in the forehead.

"Yes. Got it, Dad." I said shortly, before closing the door. Why couldn't I have normal parents?

After driving for ten minutes, I slowed down in front of the gates to the cemetery. I kept the keys in the ignition, finding it harder to step out of the hearse this time, even though I had been here more times than I could count. I sighed, and shut off the engine, listening to it die down.

"What brings you here?"

I felt my heart jump in my chest, but I knew immediately who it was that spoke those words. I felt her sitting next to me, but I didn't bring myself to look at her.

"The same reason as always, to visit you."

"You come here a lot."

I turned to Julia, my eyes meeting with hers. "You've seen me at your grave?"

Julia winced when I said grave and looked down at her lap, almost ashamed. "Yeah."

"How come I'm just seeing you now then, why not before?" I was truly curious to how long she had been secretly watching me.

"I was afraid that you… you know, wouldn't be able to handle it." She brought her head up, and I saw that her eyes were glistening. She was crying. "I would watch you walk up to my grave, and sit there and stare. Your eyes would look dull and empty, not the way I remembered them, so green and bright. I hated seeing you sad, and it was even worse because I was the reason. I was afraid that I'd scare you, or make the situation worse, so I'd just watch you from a distance. You don't know how badly I wanted to show myself to you, but it always felt too soon, and I didn't want to hurt you even more, so I just waited until I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to see you again Eli."

"And now's a better time?" I bit my tongue as soon as I spoke; I didn't mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the truth. She let out a small sob, and I instantly put my arm around her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

"Yes, you did, and I don't blame you. I know the last thing you want is me back in your life, especially when I can't actually be in it. I'll leave if you want, just tell me now."

I shook my head no, I didn't want her to leave, quite the opposite actually. "No, you're not going anywhere Julia." I just held her and stared out the window, both of us not saying anything.

"Why didn't you believe me?" Her brown eyes were wide and innocent, and just looking into them made me want to fall apart.

"I-I didn't want to accept that it happened." I said quietly. "I could have protected you, I should have comforted you, but I did neither because it was easier to blame you then to admit it to myself. Julia, there isn't a day that I don't wish I could change what I said to you, and just tell you that I loved you. I would pull you to me and I'd never let you get away." I was holding her hand tightly, and it was then I realized that it didn't feel completely solid. "But I'll never get that chance, and it kills me."

"I want you to stop blaming yourself. I know that if you could, you wouldn't have let it happen." Julia said, her eyes staring straight into me and the guilt I began to feel was almost unbearable. My phone starting ringing and I knew that it was Clare calling me. I broke away from Julia to answer.

"Hello?"

"Eli! Where are you? I stopped by your house a little while ago, and your dad was surprised to see me. He said something along the lines of, oh, I guess he really was just going for a drive."

I glanced at Julia, who was avoiding my eyes as she sat up straight against the seat. I couldn't think of a sufficient lie so I decided to just go with the truth, well, as much of the truth as I could tell her.

"I drove to the cemetery."

There was silence, and I could hear the wind blowing through the phone. "Is there something wrong?" Clare finally asked, her voice held an odd emotion to it, but I couldn't decipher what it was.

"No, I just needed to think, you know, clear my head. That's all."

"Oh."

I nodded into the phone awkwardly, even though I knew she couldn't see it. Julia was staring out the passenger window now, seemingly aloof to the conversation.

"Adam told me what happened with Derrick."

"Did he?" I gave Adam a very un-detailed version of what happened in the hall, just enough to explain why I seemed so out of it when he ran into me. I left out the last thing Derrick said to me before he disappeared, and of course, my run in with "Julia". He seemed to know I wasn't telling him everything, but luckily didn't press me about it.

"Yes. Eli, you should have told Principal Simpson, I'm sure he would want to know."

"I don't think that's such a good idea." I told her honestly. Really, what would Simpson do? Most likely nothing and it would probably only make the situation worse, which right now was the last thing I needed.

I heard the sound of cars pass, and remembered she was walking by herself, which made me uneasy. It was almost dark outside and certain areas here weren't the safest place to be at night. "Where are you? Let me pick you up, I don't want you walking around this late."

I could feel her roll her eyes before she spoke. "It's only 8:30, _Dad_. I'm a big girl you know."

"That's irrelevant, it's dark, and I'm coming to get you. How far did you walk?" I asked, getting ready to start Morty's engine.

"I'm almost to the dot."

"I'll be there in a few minutes, call me if you need to." I said, knowing I was being over protective, but after what happened to Julia, it was second nature. Julia…

I turned to her, not knowing what to do next.

"Forget I was here?" She laughed, although it sounded forced. "How are you and Clare?'

"You know about us?"

She smiled shyly, and nodded. I didn't know what to say to her; would Julia be mad at me for moving on?

"I'm not angry at you." She said, reading my mind. She lightly brushed the bangs from my eyes, letting her hand ghost the side of my face. "It's not like I expected you to be in love with a dead girl forever."

I felt my heart break at her words, and I wanted to take away the pain that she was feeling, that the both of us were feeling. "Julia- I'll always love you. I can't possibly forget what you meant to me."

She nodded at me, a sad smile on her face. I leaned in and kissed her gently on the cheek, my lips tingling from the coldness of her skin.

"I'll let you get to Clare now." She said, and before I could say another word, she was gone. I ran my hands over the leather seat where Julia sat just seconds ago, and felt bewildered.

As I drove, I tried not to think about Julia. I loved Clare more than I could describe, but I still felt overwhelming sadness when Julia would disappear, and it almost made me feel that I was cheating on Clare.

I pulled up next to the dot and found Clare sitting on a bench, her hands folded neatly in her lap, patiently waiting for me. She stood up when she recognized the hearse, and made her way to the passenger door.

I smiled as she shut it, scooting next to me. However, she didn't return my smile, instead her face held a somber expression.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Did I do something?"

"Yes, you did."

I stared at her, waiting for her to explain, but she continued to stay silent.

"Care to embellish a bit?"

She clicked her tongue and crossed her arms in front of her, giving me knowing look. "Why did you punch him?"

Deny it, was what ran through my mind as I sat under Clare's accusing glare. "I didn't punch him."

"Don't lie Eli, Adam told me, remember?" Oh, right, damn it. Guess I'll have to scratch that tactic off my list of defenses.

"He deserved it Clare." I said, being blunt with her.

"But Eli, you know you can't keep resorting to violence all the time, look where it's gotten you before, do you really want another repeat of Vegas Night?" I winced at the memory of the knife. "Sorry." She added, her eyes softer now.

I sighed. "Clare, I know you're right but, I couldn't help it. He told me I'm the reason Julia's dead, and he-" I stopped, I couldn't say it out loud, I don't think I ever have.

Clare reached for my hand, waiting anxiously for me to continue. I don't know if I could do it.

"Eli, what happened? Please tell me." I closed my eyes and held onto the steering wheel for support. Should I tell her?

"Derrick raped Julia." There, I said it out loud, and hearing the words come out of my mouth didn't make it hurt any less.

Clare gasped. "W-what?" I looked at her and saw her eyes were wide with a mixture of shock and sadness.

"That's why I hate him so much. That's why that bastard shouldn't be allowed to go to Degrassi."

Clare seemed to be speechless as she continued to stare at me, her mouth agape. She shook her head and blinked a few times."I'm so, so sorry."

"And the worst part is that he's proud of it! He's proud that he raped her! He told me wishes I could hear her scream." I stared straight ahead of me, but my vision didn't register. "How could he do that to Julia?"

Clare moved closer to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "I don't know how someone could do that to another person, I thought the same thing when I found out Darcy was raped."

"How did you deal with that?" I asked, remembering when she told me of her sister's rape. I wanted to tell her then about Julia, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"It was hard, really hard, but I tried to help her in every way I could and just be there for her. It was difficult to understand how she was feeling or what she was going through. She was really messed up afterwards. I'll never forget how it changed her…"

I swallowed, thinking back to how I shut Julia out after she told me.

"I told her she was liar and that she cheated on me." Clare rubbed my shoulder as I continued to let everything out. "I told her she was a slut. That was one of the last things I said to her before she died."

I lowered my head and sat there in shame.

"People make mistakes."

"It doesn't matter; I'll never forgive myself for what happened." Clare pulled me into a hug, and let myself relax into her arms. She cradled my head to her chest, and I couldn't help but feel better.

"I'm sure if she was still alive, she would forgive you for what you said. I don't believe for one second you meant those things, and I don't doubt that Julia would say the same."

Clare was half right, Julia did forgive me, but she wouldn't if she knew everything. Clare would leave me if I told her the truth, and I intended on never letting her find out. I knew I was a horrible person, and selfish as well, exactly the reason why I couldn't lose the only other girl I've ever cared about.

"Clare?"

"Yes?"

I swallowed; my voice was raw. "Please don't leave me, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

She stroked my hair and sighed. "I don't intend to, Eli. I love you."

I smiled at her words, and listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing. "I love you too, Clare." For now, that was enough to keep me going.


End file.
